


Forgive Me

by danbaihe



Series: All For Us [3]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Abandonment Issues, Anxiety, Changbin is also a mess, Depressed Seo Changbin, Depression, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, Hwang Hyunjin Being an Asshole, Hwang Hyunjin-centric, Hyunjin is a fucking mess, I have no excuse for any of these fucks honestly, Intrusive Thoughts, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Minor Hwang Hyunjin/Lee Minho | Lee Know, Minor Hwang Hyunjin/Seo Changbin, Self-Esteem Issues, Seo Changbin Being an Asshole, Seo Changbin-centric, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, Violent Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-19
Updated: 2020-12-19
Packaged: 2021-03-10 16:54:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28160490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/danbaihe/pseuds/danbaihe
Summary: “You don’t.” He choked on his sobs, hyperventilating.  “You don’t- You don’tcare!” He yelled.“I do.” Chan said.  “Trust me Binnie.  More than anything, I do.” He murmured, kissing Changbin’s forehead.  It was soft, and Changbin liked feeling comforted.  But he hated this feeling.  He hated this.  He was claustrophobic.“You don’t.”  Changbin said.  No- he begged.  Changbin was begging for Chan not to care.  He didn’t want Chan to care again.  Because that means it was useless to hate him.  It was useless to not like him.  He’d come back anyways.“I do.”  Chan said again, not backing down.  Changbin seemed to sob harder into Chan’s arms.  What was it with Changbin crying everytime Chan saw him in a state of disrepair?  If he was even slightly not put together, it was enough to knock his entire world off balance.And so…Like a building would, if knocked off balance…...Changbin crumbled.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Lee Minho | Lee Know, Bang Chan/Seo Changbin, Han Jisung | Han/Hwang Hyunjin, Han Jisung | Han/Seo Changbin, Hwang Hyunjin/Seo Changbin, Lee Felix/Seo Changbin
Series: All For Us [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2019319
Comments: 10
Kudos: 95





	Forgive Me

**Author's Note:**

> Read the tags. This is your only warning.
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6HMZDIGtXn5qnNFzWpYquH?si=443oWz6hQC6anaUQijVFbw

“So you were a coke addict?”

“Recovering. Technically.”

“Channie- sorry, Chan says you’re upset at him for leaving.”

“He’s not special, I’m upset at everyone for leaving. Except for Jeongin and Seungmin. Angels. Might also be drug addicts. A bit unclear on that one.”

“You want to get better?”

“I don’t really care.”

“But you’re getting better anyways.”

A silence.

“I guess, yeah. Who knows? Might just be hopping from one fix to another.”

When Changbin is with Felix, he imagines they’re in his room. It’s a little cleaner, a little nicer. The sheets look nicely disheveled and the way the sun shines as it sets through makes warm tones as the soft orange light hits his gray wall. He’s on his bed with Felix, and they’re holding each other. Sometimes laughing. Sometimes just holding each other. Sometimes Felix is taking pictures of Changbin from under him and Changbin feels like he’s floating. And this isn’t the part he imagines, no. This is the real part.

The part he imagines is kissing Felix, giggling and wrestling for the phone while they barely pay attention to it.

He knows it won’t happen. So he stays silent.

He doesn’t mind having Felix in his bed- in fact, he didn’t realize how alone he was before. And Felix loves hugging him. Felix loves unapologetic cuddles, feeling every inch of Changbin’s skin, and never asking questions about how questionable Changbin may act or look at times. It’s just Changbin. Felix has come to terms with that.

He stays over a lot more now.

Sometimes Changbin goes to his classes, more of the time, he’s hanging out with Felix at his apartment, the two dancing around each other like the other is intimidating in a crush kind of way- Felix likes to make brownies that’ll last days and come over. Changbin still suspects they’re weed brownies even though Felix insists they’re not, while laughing and spilling soda on them on accident. Changbin likes to tease Felix- it’s easy to get him flustered to defend himself, and Felix falls for it every time.

“We’re disgusting. We should like...shower, at some point.” Changbin said with a laugh.

“Okay. Then let’s shower.”

Changbin was taken off guard by Felix this time, blush rising to his cheeks. “Uh. What?”

“We’re disgusting. You’re right. Let’s shower.” Felix said with a smile, leaning into where Changbin had his arm thrown around Felix.

“Like…”

“I mean, saves money, doesn’t it?” Felix asked, chuckling.

“Yeah, you’re right, it does.” Changbin chuckled, moving up from the couch, Felix following him closely.

Changbin rooted around through his bathroom for soap and hair product before turning the shower faucet, staring at it when it didn’t turn on. “Huh.”

He turned it again. Then chuckled. “I’m fucked.” He said out loud.

“Water bill not paid?” Felix asked.

“Probably.” Changbin shrugged.

“What now?” Felix asked.

“I don’t want to ask Chan or Jisung. I hate owing those fuckers something.” Was Changbin’s immediate reply.

Felix shrugged. “What about your old house? It’s nearby right? Or we could sneak into the old highschool’s gym…” He suggested.

“Have you not paid your water bill either?” Changbin asked, raising his eyebrows.

“Bro, I’m living out of a bakery right now. I don’t have a fucking water bill to pay.”

“...I’ll ask more questions about that later.” Changbin said, glancing at the time. Wow, it was dark… midnight!? Holy shit, had that much time passed already?

...The possibility that his dad wasn’t home was very high, actually.

“Yeah, we can go to my old house. Will have to sneak in through my old room and shit but like, you know, as you do.” 

Felix giggled at the way Changbin spoke. “You’re so funny when you talk about your trauma.” He said. Changbin grinned. “I try.” He responded.

Not even 45 minutes later, they’re climbing through his childhood bedroom window. Literally. Felix is already through and is watching Changbin struggle with his window. It’s kind of funny. He manages, tripping slightly as he falls in. “Fuck!” He whisper yells.

“Sexy.” Felix responds, looking around in the dark. Just from what he can see, even though the room was small, there was definitely more in it than in Changbin’s apartment. “Hey, why didn’t you take any of this stuff with you when you moved out?” He asked.

“I mean,” Changbin shrugged. “Didn’t really have time to. Was kicked out.” He walked over and flicked on the light.

Felix looked to him curiously. “What happened?” He asked.

Changbin remembers all too well. He remembers the way his dad dragged him from his room with ease and kicked him down and blamed him for his mother’s death. He remembers the cigarette burned into his hip and the alcohol bottle that was broken on the wall near him and the brief fear that he might accidentally be set on fire because his father is talking about hallucinations and how he blames him for his mother’s death- all while shakily trying to relight his cigarette.

“I don’t know. They’re all fucking insane.” He lied. “I decide when I leave anyway. And other people too.” It was a little coping mechanism of his. If they left because of him, they left because he meant to do it right?

“What if I left right now?” Felix joked. Changbin stopped from where he was going through his things. Felix noticed he said something to upset Changbin.

“Woah, hey, binnie-”

“Don’t ...don’t joke about that please.” Changbin murmured. “Leaving me. Don’t leave me, please.” Changbin didn’t mean for his voice to waver. It was honestly kind of bitchy how whiny he sounded. Oh well.

“I won’t. I won’t joke about it again and I won’t leave you.” Felix said, arms sneaking around Changbin. He pressed small kisses into Changbin’s collarbone. It was comfortable. Unexpected, but nice. “I’m sorry.” He said.

“It’s okay.” Changbin smiled. “You...You didn’t mean it. It’s okay. Let’s...Let’s see about that shower, huh?” He said, chuckling a little awkwardly.

They crept into the hall and crossed it easily, Changbin not wanting to make noise even though the chance of his father being here was extremely unlikely.

Changbin flicked on the light of the bathroom. It flickered. It had for years now. He's not surprised that his dad never changed it.

He turned on the shower faucet, not hesitating to strip, Felix stripping within him and getting in first, Changbin sighing as he got in behind Felix. For a moment, they just stared at each other under the weak stream of water.

"Can I kiss you?" Felix asked.

Changbin didn't know how to properly respond.

"Uh. Sure." He said dumbly. 

Felix leaned in.

"That's wicked. That you still fit all your highschool clothes." 

Changbin didn't fit them. Felix fit them.

Changbin drowned in them. 

"Yeah. Uh, wild." He said as he packed all of his shit into his duffel bag and highschool backpack. He didn't have a lot, but at least he was getting his laptop back. That was valuable. And something he actually kind of needed.

"You don't have a lot of stuff." Felix observed.

"Most of my shit at the apartment was just borrowed from Seungmin or stolen from parties." Changbin said with a shrug. He honestly felt like the objects and items he was packing into his duffel bag weren't his own but he didn't voice his thoughts. He packed his old sketchbook into his backpack before pausing. "Ah, fuck. Wait. Fucker took my old knives." 

"Your old what?" Felix asked, following Changbin as he walked out into the hall, opening the doors to the master bedroom without a second's hesitance. Surprise surprise, it was empty. His mother's side of the room was as untouched as his own room had been previously. He moved cautiously. Where did his dad used to keep his confiscated shit? In the cardboard box at the bottom drawer of his wardrobe. Yeah, of course he remembers. Changbin quickly crouched down and felt for the drawer, pulling back. It was still there. Just as untouched. Lo and behold. His knives. His first lighter. An old mp3 player he was definitely taking back, because it had some of the tracks he made on it. There was some cash that was confiscated too that he was surprised his dad didn't spend on alcohol. Maybe he forgot about it…

...forgot…

...there was some stuff missing. He wondered if his headphones were in his mom’s dresser instead of his dad’s? She took them a lot when he was little, said music slowed him down when he was studying. He never got any pairs of headphones back from her.

He quietly moved over.

He wondered if she ever wanted to leave his dad before she died? The thought crossed his mind briefly.

"Changbin- what are you-"

"Hold on-" Changbin whispered, crawling to his mother's dresser first. It was pretty standard. There was nothing in it that was interesting to him except her broken watch, which he pocketed. He moved to the wardrobe and felt around. In the drawers there was nothing, but in the back- all the way behind her winter coats there was a red box. He pulled it out and slowly opened it.

Oh fuck.

This was...not what he was looking for.

Not only was there a couple of big wads of cash, but there were keys dangling on a keychain (car keys and what looked like a key for a storage unit from what Changbin could tell), and a folded piece of paper. Did mom own a car separate from the one dad had?

"You got everything?" Felix asked, uncomfortably holding his duffel bag still in the doorway.

"Yeah… yeah." Changbin was in slight disbelief. "Let's go."

"Okay. Cool."

They snuck back out his window and took the bags back to his apartment, Changbin slowly connecting the dots. His mom was trying to leave too. In more than just a dying kind of way.

She did want to leave.

She didn’t.

When they’re back at Changbin’s dark ass apartment, they settle on his dying mattress. It was honestly disgusting. He hadn’t washed it in god knows how long. Felix didn’t seem to mind. Felix curled up around Changbin so that he could get comfortable, wearing one of Changbin’s old flannels.

Changbin was glad Felix didn’t mind. He knew if it was Seungmin or Jeongin here, they wouldn’t say anything, but they would lean against the walls or sit on the floor instead. It was easier to ignore the neighbor's arguing and yelling, and crying, too, if they focused on how nasty Changbin's dying mattress was.

Felix just...didn’t care. And maybe he was a little depressed too. Maybe, with his deeper voice, slight weight loss, and lip piercing, he experienced something Changbin didn’t know about. Just like how Felix didn’t know about some of his stuff, even if he came clean about his drug use. Maybe it was easier to ignore the muffled arguments because he too, had already gone through something similar.

He had been sober since Felix came back. Excluding the time Felix came over at a bad moment, Changbin hadn’t really given coke the time of day. Sometimes he felt sick and like relapsing was his only option, but he knew Felix would be upset. And if Felix would be upset and find out, he would be upset. So sober he stays.

It’s the first time someone else comes over that they really run into any issues.

“Changbin?”

Changbin is sleeping with Felix, the two tangled in each other’s limbs. The night where they snuck into Changbin’s home and showered was days ago by now, but neither really knew. Time blurred by when you were ignoring responsibilities or just simply forgetting you had them.

“Changbin? Jesus fuck, what’s that smell?”

“I don’t know. It’s dark as hell in here.”

“The lights aren’t working anymore.”

“Jesus. Changbin? Changbin!”

Two voices echoed through the shitty apartment as Changbin (and Felix) both came too, grumbling under the covers as his bedroom door creaked open.

“Oh thank fuck. Changbin? What the fuck!? You haven’t been answering calls or texts for weeks and like, I hadn’t seen you around- I- I thought…”

Changbin realized it was Jisung as he rose up from the bed and rubbed his eyes, sniffing sleepily. His phone...had been dead for awhile. He wasn’t sure he actually had electricity right now so that he could charge it.

“How the fuck did you even…?” Changbin looked around, confused.

“The front door was unlocked...we thought...we thought something happened.” A second voice. Chan’s. Changbin groaned as he fell back on his bed. Felix groaned in response.

“Well, as you can see, I’m fine, so, you can go now.” Changbin tried to dismiss, hoping that the people who burst in his apartment would get the message and go away. Of course, them being Jisung and Chan, they didn’t.

“Changbin, it smells in here.” Chan said, worry laced in his voice. This time Felix rose, groaning and stretching.

Jisung’s eyes widened. “Who..?”

“Felix? What the fuck?”

Changbin’s eyes flew open. “Jesus christ. Why are you still here?”

“Sorry I’m a little taken aback by seeing someone who I think of like a baby brother in your bed?” Chan said, shocked as he scoffed. Felix laughed. “I’m honored?” He tried to joke, but Changbin was pissed.

“Oh fuck you, you used to think of me the same way. What do you want? Just spit it out.”

Chan cared about Felix. And right now, it was obvious he cared more about Felix than Changbin, which hurt, but wasn’t completely unexpected.

“I just- I- I was worried?”

“Stop being worried. I can manage myself like a fucking adult!?”

“Seriously Changbin!?”

“What? What’s your problem with how I want to live my life!?”

The argument escalated quickly and it was Jisung’s turn to step in. Changbin realized he was crying.

“Stop it! Stop it! Fuck! Both of you, stop!”

The room slowly fell silent. Jisung turned to Changbin. “Do you know what it’s like to watch someone you care about throw their life away and then seize on the fucking floor? I thought I was going to watch you die!” Jisung seemed...furious? This was a first. Changbin scoffed.

“Oh, so now you care about me?” He shot back, lifting himself up again so that he was sitting upright in the bed, back aching.

“What the fuck? Of course I care!” Jisung responded, but Changbin cut him off.

“No! No. Don’t do that! You don’t care! You didn’t care when you were the only two people I had, and you left me. You only cared when I looked like shit and the most obvious people to blame it on were yourselves!” Changbin cried out, instinctively rubbing his thumb on his ring anxiously. “Jesus fuck, Jisung, you, no- _you_ only care now because you have this stupid fucking fear that i’m going to die or something without you.” Changbin spat, not realizing he was starting to cry. Jisung was crying too, but he looked more shocked, than anything.

Felix didn’t know what to say. He glanced at Chan and Jisung nervously, before glancing back to Changbin, opting to just comfort the man he was close to instead of doing anything that could further fuel the argument.

“Are you fucking kidding me!? Are you seriously fucking kidding me!?” Jisung just seemed angry now, and Changbin didn’t blame him. Honestly, he had just been more pissed that these two seemed to think that his apartment door being unlocked meant that they could come in at any time when it was a place they were obviously not welcome.

“Yeah! Okay, maybe, I have this stupid fucking fear that you’re going to die or something if I look away for even a split fucking second, but honestly, honestly- when you look at your past two partying experiences can you fucking blame me? You got drugged by some random guy and dragged in the back of an alley only to do god knows what and if I wasn’t there it could’ve been worse!” Jisung yelled, ignoring the way Changbin screwed his eyes closed and curled up a little. “Before that? I watched you do a couple of lines of coke and then seize on someone’s bathroom’s floor. Is it really so fucking dumb when you are constantly getting yourself into stupid shit-”

“The second one wasn’t my fault.” Changbin said. It wasn’t loud, but it wasn’t quiet. It was almost the exact appropriate volume for someone to be talking in a room, but in this case, that’s exactly what made it unsettling. And exactly what caused a silence to fall over the room.

“You’re so fucking…” Changbin trailed off, starting to laugh. He could feel the tears coming. He didn’t want to cry. This was so fucking humiliating, coming down from his high, where for days, maybe weeks, he had been acting on a whim, doing what felt good with Felix because Felix was good and Felix was happy, and he was happy too. And now it was crashing down. Now, Changbin really, truly felt like shit. He could feel the pain in his back from sleeping on a broken-down mattress for so long- and with a neck/shoulder injury that never really healed correctly because of his awful posture and ability of self-care? Yeah. Yeah, it all came _crashing_ back down.

“Jesus fuck. Fuck.” Changbin ran his fingers through his hair as he started to sob. He started to completely break down. Maybe panic. He couldn’t really breathe. “Just. Fuck. Jesus fuck. Why can’t you leave me alone!?” He sobbed. Did he really want to be left alone? No. He hated being left alone. He hated this.

“Christ. Christ. Why can’t you just go again!? Just go away! You’re good at it!” Changbin’s voice naturally got louder, but he couldn’t sound threatening while crying the way he was.

“I’m not leaving again, Changbin.” Chan spoke this time, moving to the edge of the bed. “Why don’t you get that? I’m not leaving again. I won’t leave again for awhile, okay?” Changbin felt the dip in the mattress as Chan sat down shifting his position slightly. Felix slowly let go of Changbin, Chan uttering a small “Thank You, Felix.”

Changbin felt a new pair of arms around him. Bigger than Felix’s. He was pulled to a chest that was also much bigger. Muscular, really. Changbin remembers when he was muscular. He hates feeling small like this. It’s humiliating, almost.

“I already told you. I’m not leaving again, okay?” Chan’s voice was low. Comforting. Changbin felt like he was being suffocated. His stomach was growling loudly and his abdomen felt like it was constricting.

“No no no no no no no.” Changbin was sobbing, but at this point he was spouting nonsense. At least, that’s what it seemed like to everyone else in the room. Felix didn’t seem to want to leave him with the other two, and he was grateful. Jisung just didn’t seem to want to leave.

Changbin wanted to leave. He wanted to leave so badly. He wanted Jisung and Chan to stay away. It was easier to hate them when they stayed away.

“You don’t.” He choked on his sobs, hyperventilating. “You don’t- You don’t _care_!” He yelled.

“I do.” Chan said. “Trust me Binnie. More than anything, I do.” He murmured, kissing Changbin’s forehead. It was soft, and Changbin liked feeling comforted. But he hated this feeling. He hated this. He was claustrophobic.

“You don’t.” Changbin said. No- he begged. Changbin was begging for Chan not to care. He didn’t want Chan to care again. Because that means it was useless to hate him. It was useless to not like him. He’d come back anyways.

“I do.” Chan said again, not backing down. Changbin seemed to sob harder into Chan’s arms. What was it with Changbin crying everytime Chan saw him in a state of disrepair? If he was even slightly not put together, it was enough to knock his entire world off balance.

And so…

Like a building would, if knocked off balance…

...Changbin crumbled.

A few days of awful were everything compared to the weeks of bliss he had been experiencing beforehand. They were bugs crawling under his skin and an uncomfortable itching that wouldn’t go away. He wanted to cry a lot, but he couldn’t really bring himself to showcase any emotion. No one left. He kind of...grabbed his bag and dead phone and ran out of the room. Now? After a night of (attempting) to sleep on a bench, he was looking at the paper with the address on it. The one he had taken from his house. It was a storage unit address. He was walking, so it took a bit longer than he would’ve liked, but he didn’t really mind. He wasn’t one to be impatient. He passed through downtown, and enjoyed himself on the walk as he stopped occasionally to try and figure out where the fuck the storage unit was in the first place. It became easy to narrow down, Changbin navigating through the streets of Seoul until he arrived with the keychain.

A car key, a garage key. He already had an idea of what to expect. He just wasn’t quite sure he was ready yet. Getting through the front desk was a breeze. He already owned a drivers license (Jaebum insisted he get one even though he didn’t have a car. He listened, and for once, he was thankful he did such a thing), so that wasn’t really a problem. He wasn’t sure how documentation would work but...he’d figure it out. Probably would have to take it somewhere to get it checked up, but that wouldn’t be too bad.

And then...after hours of walking around the city...with the sun setting as he finally found the number of the unit…

He was there.

He took a deep breath in the hallway, slowly unlocking the door.

The light was off at first, and Changbin searched around for a switch. He winced at the bright lights, eyes having already adjusted to the dark garage-like room. He closed his eyes for a moment before opening them again.

It was...a van.

Wow.

It was a _nice_ van, which surprised Changbin a little, because with this and the added wads of cash, his mom must’ve been planning her trip to leave for awhile.

He tried not to think about how much that hurt as he rooted through his pockets for the keys. He found them quickly, deciding to opt for the front seat first, throwing his old school bag carelessly into the passenger’s seat. He relaxed, exhaling. This was such a nice car...his mom must’ve brought this well before the Seo’s went broke with medical bills and alcoholism. He wondered what his dad would think, if he saw him now, in this car, with his stuff that he stole back from his dad’s house.

Wild.

God. He really broke back into his old house with _Felix_ just to take a goddamn shower. He- He spent weeks letting his health and his apartment deteriorating and he just did it because he felt like he was on cloud nine.

God, what the fuck was wrong with him?

This was awful. This was weird. Changbin felt weird, sitting in what was supposed to be his mother’s car. She was supposed to be driving around in this. Changbin wasn’t even sure if he could get it started, with how long it had been sitting here for. He knew one of Jaebum’s customers- and buddies could come look at it, but he’d have to call Jaebum, which is something he hadn’t done in a long time. He rooted through his backpack before he produced a charger that looked almost identical to the one he used now, if it wasn’t for the weird stains he had on it. Safe to say, he’d had this phone since freshman year of highschool. It had been through a lot. The screen was cracked, and it burned every time he pressed it up to his ear to make a call, but sometimes the speaker didn’t work fully so, he’d keep using it until it was completely fucked up and dead. He opened the car door and looked for an outlet, finding one that looked less suspicious and bug filled than the others, plugging his charger in and setting his phone on the ground.

Changbin turned back towards the car, deciding to see the back, since he hadn’t even dared to see through the rearview mirror, making his way to the back. What the fuck did his mom need such a big fucking car for? Was she secretly a part of a band or something? Actually, that would be cool. Jisung’s older brother had taught Changbin a few bass lines when he was in elementary school. That was a weird time. Mostly because Chan had a crush on him in 4th grade.

Anyways, Changbin made his way to the back doors, exhaling slowly, before opening them. He was pleasantly surprised to see...okay, well, opening from the trunk obviously wasn’t the smartest idea. There was a trunk.

Oh!

There was luggage in the trunk! 

Okay, that was interesting.

Now, we start unboxing the secret life of mom.

He took out what looked like a duffel bag and backpack set, which were the same color red as the two suitcases crammed into the trunk. He pulled them all out onto the ground, confused. He’s not sure he really wanted to find out why his mom had a car full of luggage ready to go, but, well, everyone else seemed to want to leave him at this point. Was it really a surprise that when his mom was alive she wanted to, too?

He exhaled, shutting the trunk before moving to the side. Here we go. Big reveal.

The door slid open, almost painfully slow. Changbin was pleasantly surprised to see that the back was...renovated, almost. It looked like one of those van-lifer vans he would see on youtube. Probably explained the pretty but dark greek paint job done on the outside of the van. The inside...honestly reminded Changbin a little bit of his childhood house’s kitchen. It was simple but dark. It had a dark green theme (blankets, cushions, even storage containers), Changbin assumes to match the outside paint. The car itself was dark brown and black, which tied it together surprisingly well. Inside there was even a small area to cook and store food. His mom had quite literally been planning to hit the road.

He climbed in, surprised at the amount of space. It looked like it would have space regardless, but storage was saved by having a space with a cushion (it seemed to be a mattress, but Changbin realized it could also come up to form a back row of seats) have what looked like drawers with locks under it. Locks- he imagined, so that the contents wouldn’t fall out. The car seemed empty minust the suitcases, so he hesitantly pulled them into the empty space in the center of the car.

He started with the backpack, not entirely surprised to find a bunch of empty planners, notebooks and what seemed to be objects for the van itself- extra chargers, pocket warmers, batteries, a portable pot. Changbin felt like it was ironic. It’s winter. Here he is, unwrapping presents like it’s christmas day.

He set the stuff he could use aside, packing things he didn’t need or simply just couldn’t process rightnow back into the bag. He set it aside, putting it up on the back seats before moving to the duffel bag. This seemed to contain more of his mother’s personal items. A phone (hopefully it’s clear. He felt bad for using the dead’s possessions, but he needed a new phone badly), what looked like a camera bag (he’s not sure he’s ready to really go down that rabbit hole), a diary, standard travel documents that seemed like copies of ones that had been in her drawer, more cash, ridiculously, and a few books. There was also a pair of reading glasses. Changbin had no idea his mom had bad eyesight. Huh.

He set some things back in the bag, exhaling slightly. He kept going, moving to the suitcase. It seemed to just be filled with, again, things for the van. A dark green comforter and nice tan and brown pillow cases for the mattresses. Matching kitchenware. A small portable generator, and a heater. Seemed useful. He packed those things back into the suitcase, deciding he’d come back to that specific suitcase later.

Then, the last one.

He was almost scared to open it. He stared at it for a little while, unsure of it he should even touch it. He wanted to tell someone, but who? Chan and Jisung ....h a. He didn’t really want to talk to Felix right now, and he wasn’t entirely sure Chan hadn’t just asked Seungmin or Jeongin to let him know if Changbin showed up, which, no offense to them, he doesn’t think they’d do, but he can never be too careful.

He looked at the suitcase, before stepping back out of the car, and moving to his phone, pressing down on the power button until the screen glowed. He was a bit overwhelmed as the past week’s worth of notifications came tumbling in, feeling guilty as he scrolled through some of Chan and Jisung’s, even Seungmin and Jeongin seeming a bit worried. Hell, even Minho sent him a text, and Minho never texts anyone about anything.

He didn't read any of them. Seungmin and Jeongin's were from weeks ago. Jisung's seemed urgent but Changbin was too exhausted to talk.

He clicked his call app, dialing a number he hasn’t called since senior year. It rang, it rang, and it rang.

“Hello, this is Paradise Cafe, how can I help yo-”

“Hey…”

“Changbin? Changbin, that’s- that’s you, right? It’s good to hear your voice! Everything’s alright, I hope?” 

“Yeah- sorry to call so suddenly and randomly.”

“It’s fine! I’m not the best at communication either, you know?”

“Ah...haha, yeah. You remember that customer you used to have? The one that kept saying I would look good with a septum? He worked with cars I think?”

“Jackson Wang? Yeah! I do, why?”

“Can you give me his number? It’s a long story...but I found my mom’s old car and I want to make sure everything is working before I try to drive it.” Changbin said. “She’s been keeping it in a storage unit.” He explained.

“Of course!” The man on the other end of the line seemed too happy to help. “It’s getting a little late tonight though, I’m not sure he’d be able to do much even if I gave a call. Would you be able to drop by the cafe?” He asked.

Changbin ignored the burning feeling that started on his ear. Oh, how he missed this.

“Uh, well, the cafe is a bit far to travel by foot.” He chuckled nervously. “Sorry Jaebum.”

Jaebum seemed to move around immediately, Changbin hearing some shifting. “The cafe isn’t that busy, we could always close early and come get you or something, you know?” He said, and Changbin laughed. “Hyung, no, it’s fine. I can handle myself okay. If you call that friend tonight and he comes to the garage tomorrow, then i’ll come see you once I make sure the car is up and running, okay?” Changbin said, exhaling slightly. Jaebum hummed through the phone. “Alright.” He said. “If you’re sure.” Changbin could hear the teasing in his voice.

“I am.” Changbin said, chuckling. “Promise.”

The call ended there, and Changbin sighed, leaning against the wall. It was already late enough. He might as well stay the night. He crawled back into the car, using the blankets to set up a small bed for himself using the convertible back seats. It was...oddly comfortable. He liked the closed space. He controlled it right now. No one else did. Just him.

When he fell asleep that night he dreamed of traveling the mountains with his mother.

“Hyunjin.” The boy said, smiling brightly. “My name is Hyunjin.”

“I haven’t seen you at the skatepark a lot.” Changbin said. “You from around here?” He asked.

“No! I just moved here with my family. I’m going to the school up the road for my freshman year. Know it?” Hyunjin asked.

“Know it?” Jisung repeated, grinning. “That’s where we’re going next year! We’ll be freshmen too!” He said excitedly.

“Really? I hope we have some classes together then!” Hyunjin said, smiling brightly.

Hyunjin's freshman year of highschool went as abysmally as things tended to go when it came to life as a teenager.

A week before it started he had met two cute boys named Jisung and Changbin at a skatepark, only for one to leave a week later (they still texted) and the other to give him a dirty glare everytime he was in the room with him. It didn't really bother Hyunjin. He had his friends, all juniors and seniors unfortunately. His boyfriend, Sungjin, was also a senior.   
He hung out with them at the skatepark, and they hung out with him after school. For a freshman, Hyunjin was almost awkwardly tall, already 5'8, and definitely still growing. Everyone had just assumed he was also a senior, and he never bothered to correct anyone.

Jisung was a nice friend over the phone. They texted a lot. They messaged a lot. They even had calls, often ending in the two falling asleep after talking and laughing about stupid shit for hours.

Jisung was about the only good thing from freshman year that Hyunjin remembers.

It started with Sungjin pressuring Hyunjin to make more changes to himself for him. Attitude, way of talking, even style. Hyunjin listened, spending extra lunch money on thrift store clothes that fit the style Sungjin wanted. He looked cute in baggy pants and comfortable silk tank tops. He liked the coats he ended up getting as a result of Sungjin's preferences, liking the warm interior of a plain black one he picked up. He liked the change to mostly boots or chunky sneakers, his previously one pair of converse dying from a chronic case of overuse.

He didn't mind when Sungjin commented on how the said outfit then didn't suit him, or looked ugly. He liked it. He'd change it again, if Sungjin really asked, but he liked his outfits.

He felt comfortable at the other's house, when they're cuddling together. He felt comfortable in Sungjin's hoodies, kind of liking the smell and being able to curl in on himself. He liked being able to kiss Sungjin, the older always complimenting Hyunjin's soft, big lips. Hyunjin was comfortable with Sungjin.

A little disoriented when he told him to get up and follow him, but assumed maybe they'd eat dinner or something.

A little confused when Sungjin picked him up and sat him on top of his washing machine, but thought maybe he was going to kiss him.

"You gained a little weight." Sungjin tells him upfront, and Hyunjin is shocked.

"What?" He asks, about to jump off the washing machine.

"I'm just...worried, you know? It's unhealthy to gain too much weight." Sungjin said quickly. "I just want you to be healthy babe, I'm looking out for your health, that's all." He promised.

Hyunjin had dropped out of soccer, and had been more lax on general workouts, but he didn't think it was noticeable like that. Even now, as he looked down at his legs, he thought he had a healthy amount of fat (mostly muscle, honestly) on them, and was a little confused. He still danced. Dance should've been enough to keep him fit, right?

"I don't think I gained too much…" Hyunjin said unsurely, not meeting Sungjin's eyes. This was weird.

Sungjin made a show of grabbing his thigh, which made Hyunjin's skin crawl. He wasn't wearing pants at the moment, so Sungjin's hand was directly on his skin. In any other situation he would've been okay with it. In this situation he was a little confused, and hurt.

"Do you feel that? That's fat Hyunjin." Sungjin said. Hyunjin just wanted him to stop touching him at the moment, honestly.

"I feel it." He said, not looking up. Sungjin seemed pleased enough to retract his hand. "Here, take off the hoodie real quick, it's okay, you can put it on after." Sungjin said, and Hyunjin hesitantly listened, now down to his boxers and an oversized t-shirt.

"Okay...what now?" He asked unsurely.

"Put your legs up on the washing machine." Sungjin said, and Hyunjin followed, letting Sungjin move one of his legs up.

"Now, I'm just doing this to make sure you're healthy, you know?" Sungjin said with a smile, and before Hyunjin could even ask what he was going to do, Hyunjin jumped at the feeling of almost being thrown off, his butt tingling from the washing machine moving. He realized the other must've turned on the washing machine when he had been taking off his hoodie.

"What are you-"

"Stay still."

Hyunjin tried to get off, but Sungjin kept him there, eyes focused on his legs.

"Sungjin what the hell are you doing?" 

Sungjin pulled out a marker, uncapping it. "I said stay still." He said, glaring at Hyunjin. It was enough to keep Hyunjin quiet.

He watched as Sungjin leaned down, starting to draw into his leg. The marker kind of stung, and Sungjin seemed focused in whatever he was doing.

Hyunjin's eyes widened in realization as Sungjin circled back up, trying to pull his leg away. Sungjin was firmly keeping him in place. "I said stay still Hyunjin, don't make me ask again." He said.

"I…" Hyunjin felt the tears start to form as he watched his leg jiggle under the literal vibration of the washing machine. "Are you- what the fuck? Sungjin let go!" He tried to pull his leg away but Sungjin seemed even more upset, stopping after he stopped the circle.

"Don't you want to get healthier Hyunjin? You'd look better in photos too. More of our friends would hang out more. You can't have this fat on you like this." Sungjin's voice was loud. Hyunjin shrunk back, slowly nodding his head. He hated conflict.

This didn't stop him from starting to sob as Sungjin moved onto the next leg, then eventually his arms, and stomach.

The first thing he did when he got home was run up the stairs and start the bath. He didn't even hesitate. He grabbed the soap as the bath was still filling up, throwing off Sungjin's hoodie and the rest of his clothes with urgency, jumping in, eager to get rid of the ugly black marks. He scrubbed, and he scrubbed, and he fucking scrubbed, but it wouldn't come off.

Sungjin used permanent marker.

Hyunjin sat in the tub for a moment, looking at his now red and raw skin, giving out a small pained laugh. Then another. 

Then he was hysterically laughing in his bathtub, pulling at his hair.

His phone buzzed and he forced himself to calm down long enough to dry his hands on the towel, picking up his phone and unlocking it.

_Jisung:_ I'm bored. Wyd?

Hyunjin looked at his red legs covered in ugly black marker ink in the hot bathtub. He chewed his lip and looked back to the screen.

_Hyunjin:_ nothing much, hbu?

Diets are exhausting. Or maybe it's exercising while only eating half of what you're supposed to have for the day, maybe less.

Hyunjin had been on this stupid diet for 3 weeks now, and he could barely handle four hours of dance practice.

He was breathing heavily as he hunched over on the floor, not quite understanding the idea of being able to ruin your body faster than actually losing weight when it comes to these kinds of things.

But as Sungjin literally told him the first dance practice he started having issues with stamina and clean, sharp movements, dieting isn't the reason he's so out of breath. He's just noticing it now and trying to find something to blame it on.

Right now, Hyunjin was using his break to down the rest of his water bottle, his only other freshman friend, Jeongin, sitting next to him.

"Hey, man, you good?"

No.

Hyunjin was exhausted. He wanted to take a nap so badly.

"I'm fine." He said with a smile, tilting his head. "Why do you ask?"

"I don't know. You just seem...tired all the time now. Distant. And I haven't seen you and Sungjin hang out in awhile." Jeongin shrugged. "I was just making sure shit was okay, you know?"

"I'm fine." Hyunjin dismissed. "We're fine. Just… sometimes we're not always prioritizing each other." He said, and Jeongin shrugged. "Why have you been wearing turtlenecks to practice?"

Hyunjin froze, trying to come up with a lie quickly.

"I...accidentally mixed up some dance clothes with old clothes that don't fit anymore and they got donated." He said, sighing. "I have to get new ones soon." He said, and Jeongin nodded. "ah. I see." He sighed. "Tough fucking luck if you ask me." 

Later that day, Hyunjin is comfortably at Sungjin's side, sitting with their group of friends at lunch, eyes closed as music plays through his earbuds.

"Dude, aren't you gonna eat anything?" Jeongin said, tapping Hyunjin's arm to get his attention. Hyunjin lazily opened his eyes, sniffing. "Hmm?" He yawned. He wanted to go back to sleep so badly. 

"Food. Like, eating. You know. That shit you're supposed to do?" Jeongin asked, and Hyunjin stared at him blankly. "I'm dieting." He said. "I forgot to bring my lunch today." 

Jeongin frowned. "Why are you dieting? You don't really need to, you look fine."

Hyunjin realized their entire friend group was staring at him, Sungjin included. He shrugged. "I wanted to try and eat healthier."

"That doesn't mean not eating at all."

"It's one lunch."

"Yeah but still, you should have some food-"

"Look, I'll make sure he eats after school, okay?" Sungjin said, Jeongin's eyes darting to Sungjin suspiciously. He seemed to nod. "Are you guys gonna hang out again?"

"Yeah, he's gonna come over after school."

"Okay." Jeongin seemed satisfied with that answer.

Hyunjin knew Sungjin wouldn't do shit.

When they go back to his house later that day, Hyunjin straddling Sungjin, Sungjin praises him for how much lighter he already is starting to feel on his lap, and Hyunjin would be lying if he said it didn't fill him with an odd sense of pride.

"You'd look so cute with a septum piercing." Sungjin said, Hyunjin laying on his chest. "You think so?" He asked.

"I know so." Sungjin grinned.

When he goes home that night, his dad is making pancakes. He decides maybe he can test himself, since he's making so much progress, but he's quickly cut off at three pancakes, his dad slapping his hand away.

"But whyyyy?" Hyunjin whined. "I'm a growing boy."

"Yeah." His dad replied. "In every direction except the one you're implying." He said, laughing. Hyunjin stopped in his tracks. He drew his hand back from the pancake plate, and made it look like he had been going to the fridge, pouring himself a glass of cold water before heading upstairs.

That night, he drove a needle through the tip of his nose, hands shaking as he looked through completely, before replacing it with a new, cute, simple silver septum ring.

It hurt, but not much. He flipped it upward, turning to the side. Perfect. No one could tell.

Over the course of the school year, Hyunjin managed to lose around 15 pounds semi-healthily, an extra 5-7 pounds being repeatedly lost and gained for a month at least. Not being able to lose those pounds isn't the most frustrating thing ending the school year for him.

It's losing Sungjin.

"What?"

Hyunjin needs to hear him repeat his shitty excuse again so that he can process it fully.

"I just…" Sungjin sighed. "It looks bad if a college freshman is dating a sophomore, you know?" He didn't meet Hyunjin's eyes. "Plus. Almost no one keeps a highschool relationship alive in college. Everyone knows that." He said, scratching the back of his neck. "Sorry." He said, shrugging.

_Jisung:_ bruh I wanna come back to sk so baaad. But it looks like I'm spending the rest of school here >:( my brother ditched me and went to canada. What's up w u?

_Hyunjin:_ I miss u sm omg :( I have to wait two years?? This is homophobia. I'll come on a plane and pick u up myself bb. Lmao, nothing much, got dumped, but we were growing kinda distant anyways.

Hyunjin's behaviors only worsened over the summer. By the end of the two month period, he wore only baggy clothes, and it looked almost like his face shape had changed. His hair had grown out a bit and he kept it, liking the slight mullet length. Jisung was about the only thing holding him together.

He doesn't really remember Junior or Senior year. He remembers that Jeongin was there for some of it. He somehow miraculously managed to get into college and was noticeably underweight at 130 pounds exactly, which for a 5'10 man who works out a lot, that is very clearly not healthy.

Of course, no one really cared. Sungjin would've cared, if he was still there, but besides that, there was almost no one.

Jisung came back and Hyunjin couldn't have been happier. They hung out for a while, just talking, before their get-togethers turned a little more into...dates. really. Roller skating and holding onto each other for dear life, laughing over a shared smoothie because Hyunjin used the excuse that he was too broke to afford his own to really get his own meal (he just didn't want to eat that much in one sitting. Even if he could purge it later, what was the point, really? It would feel awful coming up his throat and he hated purging anyways). 

At some point, they're browsing shops and Jisung pulls Hyunjin close to him in front of a comic book shop and they kiss. Hyunjin is worried about his bad breath. Jisung doesn't seem to mind in the slightest.

"I want to be your boyfriend." Jisung says, smiling at Hyunjin. Hyunjin smiles back, ignoring the panicked thoughts running through the back of his mind as he nodded, chuckling. "Sure." He said, humming.

"How's Changbin? I'm sure you've visited him at least once, right?" Hyunjin asks a few weeks after Jisung is back in town. He remembered Changbin, but they never really got along. He saw him around a lot with Felix, a cute foreign exchange student. 

"Changbin?" Jisung seemed alarmed. Then he shrugged. "We kind of grew out of being friends. We haven't talked in forever. I don't know how he's doing now." He said, and for a moment, they were quiet.

"Oh but," Jisung seemed to light up a bit. "We did have another friend. His name was Bang Chan. He's coming back in a year or two and I'm excited for you to need him." Jisung said with a small smile.

Hyunjin smiled back. "Bang chan, huh?" He asked, wiggling his eyebrows. Jisung giggled and punched Hyunjin's arm jokingly, Hyunjin forcing himself to smile through the slight flinch and probable bruising, knowing his boyfriend didn't mean to actually hurt him. He was just a little weak right now.

The second time Changbin is mentioned, Jisung's been in Seoul for two years now, and he's been living with Hyunjin for one. They're comfortable, Hyunjin focusing on dance while Jisung does music production.

Chan is finally going to meet Jisung and Hyunjin, and he has a boyfriend of his own by the name of Minho. Hyunjin spent the entire day cleaning the apartment from top to bottom. It was a small apartment, and cheap, but it was still nice, thanks to Hyunjin's insistence that everything had to look good. 

Chan and Minho knock on the door and are giving odd smiles. Like they've just been talking about something they didn't want Jisung or Hyunjin to overhear.

Greetings are exchanged and Chan and his boyfriend step through the door. Minho seems like he wants to ask Chan something, but doesn't. 

"We actually got the address wrong the first time. Did you know you and Changbin are neighbors?" Chan said, glancing at Jisung. Jisung seemed to pause.

"Changbin? I haven't seen him around, no." He said.

"He's right next door. If you ever want to visit." Chan said. Jisung stared at Chan for a minute, and Chan stared back. Jisung smiled. "Of course. What neighbor would I be if I didn't?"

At some point, this little 'get-together' became Chan and Jisung excitedly fleeing to Jisung's makeshift workspace in the extra closet they had, going over music...stuff. Hyunjin wasn't actually sure, and he didn't really care. He chewed on a strawberry slowly as he watched the hallway, waiting for anyone to appear. Or maybe he was secret drilling holes into his future husband's back.

Who knows, honestly, at this point.

"You've been staring at your hallway like there's a ghost there." Minho chuckles, Hyunjin jumping from the sudden startling realization the other had been watching him chew strawberries for about ten minutes.

"Ah, fuck, sorry. I...I zone out a lot." Hyunjin apologized, taking a few seconds to get reoriented, no longer leaning on the counter. 

"Can I have some?" Minho asked, pointing to the strawberries. Those and coffee were going to be Hyunjin's entire fucking lunch but okay.

"Yeah. Help yourself man." Hyunjin says with a small smile, Minho smiling back. He eats a strawberry and Hyunjin thinks about how good he looks while doing a simple action, and he's jealous. Minho is so...perfect. A patient boyfriend. Hyunjin doesn't even come partially close.

Minho seemed oblivious to the other's envy. He reached over for another strawberry, not taking a long time to chew, just swallowing. Hyunjin was jealous.

"What do you study?" Minho asked, and Hyunjin realized he was asking about school.

"Oh. Uh, dance. I'm in dance." 

"Really?" Minho beamed. "I'm in dance too. I wonder why we're never seen each other then?"

"Ah…well you're a year above me so…" Hyunjin trailed off as Minho nodded. "Ah. I see."

A silence falls over them again.

Hyunjin watches Minho eat another strawberry.

Chan and Jisung, naturally, get closer. Changbin is almost never spoken of, like he's a taboo topic. For some reason though, Minho never joins the two when they hang out. Hyunjin always does.

They hit up an arcade together, and Chan and Jisung stuff their faces with fries while Hyunjin quietly looks at the burger in front of him, not touching it.

They go bowling, only for Hyunjin to injure his wrist and wear a wrist brace under long sleeves while Chan and Jisung cheer each other on. They watch movies only for Hyunjin to fall asleep halfway through because he physically couldn't keep himself awake enough to watch the full length film. When he wakes up, Jisung and Chan are obnoxiously chatting away, almost forgetting completely he's there.

Chan and Jisung both constantly get his preferences mixed up. For some reason, they're convinced he likes random cute shit that he's never even fucking seen in his life before. Jisung gets him a cute stuffed animal, which is fine, but it's certainly fucking weird when Chan adds candy and a matching keychain to it.

They talk about music production in front of Hyunjin, like he can add to the conversation. Like he has something to say about it.

They even get into arguments with each other over what to order when they go out to pubs, before turning to Hyunjin, who has already gotten himself a beer with small lemon slices to suck on.

They settle on wings that night and Hyunjin is relieved when they don't pay any attention to him.

He liked that when he laid down, he could feel his hip bones with ease. He liked the gap between his stomach and his waistband, humming gently to himself as he has his hands dances over his hip bones, then his ribs, then his collarbones. The dip is a nice feeling. He likes it.

Jisung crawls into bed with him.

"Babe, you're freezing." Is the first thing Jisung says as they curl together. It's true. Hyunjin couldn't retain any heat anymore. Winter was an awful time to be alive.

"Really?" He lied. "I don't feel it."

The third time Changbin is mentioned, they're at the grocery store.

"Changbin!" Chan calls out excitedly, Jisung and Hyunjin looking up from where they were arguing over two different types of seaweed snacks.

A short man in a hoodie seems to pause, looking around before slowly pointing to himself. 

“Is there...anyone else named Changbin?” Chan asked, raising an eyebrow. Changbin sighed and slowly turned his cart around, heading straight for the group. Jisung looked to Hyunjin, almost as if begging him for help. Hyunjin didn't know what the fuck he wanted him to do about it.

“Hey Changbin.” Jisung said, smiling. Changbin simply nodded. An awkward silence fell over the group.

“Hi.” Changbin murmured. Jisung seemed mildly relieved. Chan smiled. Hyunjin? Hyunjin scoffed. He could feel the jealousy start to rise in his chest, but pushed it back down.

“Jesus christ.” Hyunjin pointed to his cart. “Why do you have so many energy drinks and like...nothing else?” He asked. His own eating was disordered, but Changbin almost looked like a textbook anorexic. Is that stupid to be upset about? Should he be upset?

“I just got here.” Changbin said, trying to find an excuse. 

Hyunjin peered in his cart.

“Ah...what groceries were you gonna get?” Jisung asked.

Hyunjin saw jelly pouches. Seaweed. A couple different kinds of crackers. Pre wrapped sandwiches. A microwavable pizza. A pack of razor blades he hoped no one would notice along with a few packs of cigarettes. A lighter. Hyunjin recognized a few of those items as low cal snacks he had looked up on forums. The pizza could just be an impulse purchase.

“Milk.” Changbin said. “And eggs. Maybe cereal.” He didn't make eye contact with the other three.

“Ah. I was about to get eggs too. Let’s go to the section.” Chan offered, and Changbin just nodded, not really having room to say no.

_'I hate you. I fucking hate you.'_ Hyunjin thinks.

“So...I see you still have your ring…" their voices trail off as they move aisles.

Jisung tries to get back to his grocery shopping, but Hyunjin can tell he's distracted.

"What's wrong?" Hyunjin asks, a little irritated, hoping that Jisung will get over whatever his issue is.

"Nothing I just uh...I miss him." Jisung said softly.

"He lives next door to us. You can see him whenever." Hyunjin argues, but his argument falls flat on Jisung, who seems pissed that he even remembered that fact.

"Whatever, let's just- keep shopping."

They spend the next few minutes in silence, Hyunjin lazily throwing random shit into the cart, not really caring what he buys according to Jisung's list anymore. Jisung can sense the mood shift. He doesn't say anything. They get a little closer to Chan and Changbin on accident, having to get yogurt. That's when Hyunjin overhears them.

"Do you have an eating disorder or something?" He hears Chan asks.

And it irritates him. It irritates him so fucking much when Changbin gives a pissed off negative response that no, he doesn't have an eating disorder, he's just a loser who can barely manage to take care of himself. Hyunjin is absolutely fucking _pissed_ when he watches Changbin roll his cart away, a brand new milk gallon added to his disgusting fucking grocery list.

Why?

Because it took Chan exactly five minutes, maybe less, to notice a problem, worry about the problem, and try to pinpoint it when it came to Changbin. Because Jisung was telling Hyunjin for the nth fucking time how worried he was for the other, how he felt bad about how he ghosted him. Because they were both more preoccupied with their childhood friend within seconds than Jisung ever became with Hyunjin, his own fucking boyfriend.

The next time he sees Changbin, he sees him with Hyunjin's freshman year friend Jeongin, the two smoking and laughing about something dumb.

They don't notice Hyunjin, who takes time to take in Jeongin's...well, everything. He's changed a lot. He has a few noticeable piercings, and his hair covers his eyes comfortably.

He's got a few tattoos on his arms and one crawling up the side of his neck from what Hyunjin can tell, much like Changbin. He's a bit skinnier, but that might just be because he's taller as well.

His features are sharper and his hair is dyed dark blue.

Hyunjin realizes in this moment, that he's alone. 

His world cracks.

Ignoring Changbin's awful crying through the wall is easy fucking peasy for him. Not so much for Jisung, who seems like he wants to go over and check on Changbin himself.

Nothing is stopping him. He could go anytime he wanted.

He stays.

Hyunjin turns the page of his book with a small smile on his face.

After a party Jisung went to, he was terrified that Hyunjin was going to seize in front of him, and demanded that he could see him at all times for a few days. He'd wake him up from sleep when Hyunjin's heart rate was a little _too_ slow, and maybe, for the first time, realized that Hyunjin's health wasn't that great.

Hyunjin didn't ask what happened, but he knew Changbin had something to do with it. Later, when he learns about how Changbin overdosed and almost died, he feels angry about Jisung's suddenly caring for him.

He doesn't really care, no.

He's just another coping mechanism.

Hyunjin's world shatters.

Felix, when he comes into Hyunjin's life, is taller. More muscular too. He's perfect in class, managing to get down moves that it takes forever for Hyunjin to get down himself. Hyunjin went from being the ace of the class to being put firmly in 2nd place, and he didn't appreciate it.

He tried hard to hate Felix too, he really did.

Hyunjin can't. He can't hate him when Minho adds Felix to their private dance practices together either. Felix is good. And nice. They dance well together, and Minho seems content to have two younger friends to take care of instead of one.

So, Hyunjin stays silent about his jealousy. He stays silent about the extra hours he exercises, too embarrassed that the only thing fueling him at this point are the people around him. People who don't even notice he's spiralling.

The first time Hyunjin passes out in three, almost four years, it's four am in a smaller dance studio he had rented out. He wakes up within 30 minutes, and spends another 20 trying to force his body up off the floor. He forces himself to limp home, barely able to walk in a straight line.

No one cares. If he called for help he was sure no one would answer anyways.

No one even seemed startled by the fact that he spent so long there in the first place.

The first conversation Changbin and Hyunjin have, is after Hyunjin and Jisung are caught arguing in a store.

“No! I don’t fucking care Jisung, I’m sick and tired of it. If you’re going to keep being paranoid about fucking everyone dropping dead, why not go wait in the car? The only thing that’ll drop is the fucking temperature!” His voice carried through the aisles, but he didn't care. Jisung was getting on Hyunjin's nerves. He couldn't he in Jisung's stupid fucking line of sight all the time.

"I know but Changbin...it happened with Changbin and…" Jisung trailed off. Hyunjin was too lightheaded and dizzy to care.

“If you’re so fucking worried about him and everyone else, Sung, then why the fuck are you dating me?”

They spent a few minutes talking over each other, Hyunjin not entirely sure what he was even saying half the time anymore. He just wanted Jisung to shut up.

“...It’s not-”

“I don’t think it’s working-”

“Can we not fucking do this in a store!?”

“You think I want to be arguing in a store?”

Hyunjin watches Jisung take the car keys and stomp away, running through the store's front doors without another word. Jesus fucking christ.

Hyunjin looked up to see Changbin turning the aisle, cart in hands.

“Jesus fucking christ.” He says.

“Nice to see you too.” Changbin responded sarcastically.

“No- fuck you.” Hyunjin said, reaching for his pack of cigarettes- before realizing he couldn’t smoke inside. He looked irritated and upset.

“How much did you hear?” Hyunjin asked, looking at Changbin with narrowed eyes.

“Of what?”

“You know what the fuck what.”

“Oh. The...the yelling?” He asked, looking back to the door entrance. “Didn’t really decipher anything.” He said. “It was just loud.” He explained.

Hyunjin scoffed as he watched Changbin, rolling his eyes.

“It was about you.” Hyunjin said. Fuck you, Changbin. Ruining my fucking life. My boyfriend thinks of you when he buys me presents and shit. He _only_ thinks of you.

“What?”

“The stupid fuck is convinced everyone is gonna seize and die on him now. Has night terrors about it.” Hyunjin said. Okay, maybe he felt a little bad about not being patient with Jisung. Understandably, he was traumatized. Hyunjin realized that now as he said it outloud.

“Cause...Cause you got so wrapped up in your bullshit you thought it was okay to just fucking do that to someone else.” He spat.

Changbin blinked.

“Night terrors suck.” He responded.

God, _fuck you_ Seo Changbin.

Hyunjin thinks about beating him to death with the Soju bottle in his grocery cart.

He doesn't.

Hyunjin scoffed and turned his back.

“Should I be sorry? I didn’t even fucking know until now. A coincidental run in.” Changbin said.

“Should you- do you fucking hear yourself?”

“He doesn’t talk to me!”

“Yeah, I fucking wonder why!”

“He didn’t even before I was addicted to drugs.” Changbin snapped. “He only introduced me to you to replace him. You know what the fuck that’s like?”

“You know what it’s like to be used to replace you!?” Hyunjin snapped back, pointing two fingers at Changbin. They were silent as Hyunjin slowly walked closer, fingers meeting the older’s chest.

“I. Can’t. Beat. It.” He said, taping against the other.

Hyunjin was _never_ a replacement for Jisung.

Just a placeholder for Changbin. He understood that now.

“Everyone doesn’t like the original enough to feel the need to replace him. Then forget the replacement exists.” Hyunjin scoffed. Laughing a little. Like he said a joke.

Jisung replaced Changbin with his own fucking boyfriend, and Chan just did it around the same time. Jeongin probably didn't even remember Hyunjin. But oh god, how Hyunjin just wanted his stupid fucking friend back.

The only people Hyunjin had that weren't associated with Changbin in any way were Felix and Minho, and Felix kind of dipped from dance for a few days.

Changbin found himself laughing too, a little.

“This is so fucked.” Hyunjin whispered, and Changbin couldn’t stop himself from laughing so hard he cried.

Hyunjin's jealousy eased a little. He liked knowing that Changbin was suffering a little too. As fucked up as it sounded, it made him feel better.

Their arguments start slowly, about stupid shit. Hyunjin knows part of it is fueled by his awful fucking mood swings, that he's too malnourished to mke reliable sense every time.

He knows part of it is jealousy.

"Hyunjin do you listen to yourself? You sound fucking insane!" Jisung yells, and Hyunjin scoffs yelling back. "Are you fucking kidding me!? When was the last time we went on a date with just the fucking two of us huh!? It's not insane if it's true!" Hyunjin yelled back.

That seems to stop Jisung.

Hyunjin got dizzy, and grabbed the counter in the next second.

"Are you-"

"I'm fucking fine. But I'm leaving if you can't get over your weird fucking obsession with your childhood friend." Hyunjin says, ignoring the way his chest tightened and vision went.

Jisung paused for a second, scoffing before leaving.

Hyunjin didn't want him to leave.

No, fuck, Jisung, please don't leave.

"I'm gonna go clubbing or some shit I can't fucking handle this." Jisung says, slamming the door.

Hyunjin starts to break down, letting himself crumble to the floor, sobs turning into screaming, into yelling. He runs his fingers through his hair only for a clump of hair to come out with his hand, and he stares at it, before breaking down more.

"No! Fuck! No!"

He's hunched over the kitchen, screaming and crying, and he can't help but think that this is a pretty accurate interpretation of how his entire life has gone so far.

And if later, hours later, Jisung texts him telling him he's staying at a friend's house, and he hears what sounds like two voices in Changbin's apartment, he's too tired to care.

"Have you seen Felix?"

No.

"It's awhile since he's practiced with us."

"Yeah, I know."

Hyunjin can't really get himself to care anymore. He's so fucking exhausted and so slow he fears going to bed at night because he might not wake up. His body is most definitely shutting down.

"Hey, you okay?" Minho is kind.

Oh so fucking kind.

Hyunjin wants to curl up in his embrace and never let him go.

"I'm fine." Hyunjin says, exhaling. "Just...just tired."

He's not fine. He can barely dance anymore. But Minho seems too scared to say anything.

"If you ever want to just come over and hang out or something...maybe over dinner...I'm free a lot of the time now." Minho offers, and smiles in Hyunjin's direction. For the first time in awhile, Hyunjin smiles back. And he really, truly means it.

Then of course, Jisung has to go next door after days of not seeing Changbin at all. Hyunjin didn't ask about the night he left the apartment. He didn't care. He told himself he didn't care. Jisung left because he was mad at him. Hyunjin just needed to be better. More perfect. Then he would've stayed, right?

The day he hears what sounds like yelling and screaming and crying coming from next door, after days, maybe weeks of silence, Hyunjin doesn't want to go over. He knows he has to.

He slowly makes his way out of bed. His body feels heavy and old, like one wrong move would make him collapse.

He uses the wall to guide his way to the front door, slowly closing it before walking to Changbin's ajar door. He looks back down the hall and sees Changbin, backpack thrown on as he's running away from the apartment.

It smelt like… sweat. It was kind of awful. And dark. Hyunjin couldn't see properly.

He heard what sounded like multiple people yelling at each other.

He walks into Changbin's room, feeling lightheaded as he does so, and dizzy. He ignores the twisting of pain as he sees both Felix and Jisung in Changbin's room, along with Chan, and instead focuses on the burning sensation spreading in his chest.

He tries to ignore the anger brewing in his mind as he realizes that all he really has now is Minho. He instead focuses on his legs shaking as he falls against the doorway.

"Hyunjin?"

Jisung's voice sounds so muffled, but so worried. Hyunjin is almost relieved. That's all he wanted. Just for Jisung to be worried.

"Jisung."

Hyunjin tried to call out his boyfriend's name, but he crumbles under his own weird, vision going quickly.

"Hyunjin!" Jisung screams.

Hyunjin cracks.

Hyunjin shatters.

And as he passes out in Jisung's arms, Chan panicking and calling an ambulance, he hopes and prays to god that no one pieces back together.

He's too tired to be pieced back together.


End file.
